Verruca Music Read online

heart sank as it was realised that the process could only get well and truly underway if a decision was made regarding the initial form of entertainment to be enjoyed

  what

  enjoyed

  yes

  the difficulty of making the decision sent our heroic life-long friend and companion the protagonist retreating beneath the folds of the blue frayed duvet in order to contemplate his distress at this discovery

  a steady light of realisation flickered dimly in a recess of the old bonce as candlelight in the next room beneath a door jamb

  and

  AHA!

  it was realised that the first form of entertainment could in fact be the making of the decision and that all was not yet lost

  but

  what

  if the making of the decision regarding the entertainment was itself a form of entertainment did not that mean that it would be entirely possible for our friend hero and confidant to disappear into a neverending vortex of entertaining decision-making from which he might never emerge

  possibly

  and the thought came that we will just have to give it a go what with there being little other hope of getting the merry game underway

  swish swish

  back and forth

  suppose for a moment that the first entertainment was THE PICKING OF THE FEET

  let us enumerate the potential paths avenues and vistas of satisfaction to be derived

  the feet both with slightly knobbly big toes from an early onset of arthritis rheumatism deformity or general inherited knobbliness and crooked middle toes from goodness knows what seemed to provide several means of keeping occupied to whit a verruca on the underside of the right foot slightly sore to the touch could be investigated and poked and prodded to provide interesting sensations and in the hopes that it might go away

  the depth of the verruca was revealed to be somewhat alarming

  well and could you not have had the verruca treated

  o do be quiet and listen

  the width of the verruca was equally revealed to be somewhat alarming engendering the fear that the entire toe to which it belonged might be eaten through by the fibrous consuming warty mass

  picking at the edges of the crater of the verruca with the right hand holding the foot steady and the left hand at the business end of things made a pleasant clicking sound due to the hardened skin from the days and years spent wandering around with nary a thread or clog between the soles of the feet and the hardness of the earth

  different sounds proved possible depending upon the manner in which the picking was done to whit picking eastwards towards the arch gave the lowest pitch which one could almost persuade oneself was something approaching a dull thud

  picking southwards towards the heel yielded not a click but a rasp of bitten fingernail upon hardened skin as the south edge of the verruca was not as well-defined while picking westwards was entirely the opposite with a satisfying crisp crack

  north gave the highest-pitched sound

  a sweet gentle sound

  or as sweet and gentle a sound as one can make by picking at a verruca with the fingernails

  there being four possible sounds their alternation made something approaching pleasing music

  little rhythmic patterns of sounds made by verruca and fingernail proved to be entirely possible

  click click CLICK rasp click

  click click CLICK rasp rasp rasp click

  by the time our hero consulted his timepiece the entertainment had run over the allotted time by a good four minutes but had on the whole been rather successful and was therefore to be explored further

  the first entertainment being over it was decided that further exploration of the potential for entertainment inherent in picking at other areas of the feet after the investigation of the verruca had been undertaken was almost certainly a poor idea what with the possibility of further infection and the transformation of the old shankses into a pair of giant verrucas and nothing else

  bearing in mind that we have not yet dealt with the eczema or the calluses or the athlete's foot

  our protagonist began recognise the necessity of formulating a means of remaining hygienic yet entertained

  by chance or fate or papal decree or divine intervention but most probably chance it so happened that the end of the first entertainment coincided fortuitously with the arrival of the generous hands that brought nutrition although the nutrition in this instance was comprised of something black and charred which would remain uneaten

  a new development was the advent of the large mug of tea

  the large mug of tea had not been included before in the deliveries made by the generous hands that brought nutrition and was it must be said entirely welcome if a little on the weak side

  our friend and hero lay beneath the blue frayed duvet contemplating the large mug of tea

  towards the end of an hour an approach was decided upon

  the first hour's entertainment having passed so successfully it was decided that a space of an hour spent recollecting the previous entertainment followed by yet another hour spent in anticipation of the next was far too damn long and that it would be better to

  what

  press on and get the whole thing running a bit more smoothly

  to whit one hour on one hour off

  so to proceed

  the large mug of tea would in effect be kidnapped and squirrelled away for later use beneath the blue frayed duvet a hostage to entertainment

  and the next session of entertainment would be a further exploration of the musical potential of the verruca and the fingernails

  following which the large mug of tea would come into its own during the period of preparation for the third period of entertainment

  the timepiece indicating the hour the next session commenced

  well and how did the second session differ from the first

  o listen and i will tell you

  the first session was one of discovery and experimentation

  the second session was one of consolidation development and artistic endeavour

  the fine young composer with the rime in his hair with a fine musical work behind him came to life in a very small way beneath the blue frayed duvet and made verruca music by adding together the little rhythmic patterns that he had made during the first session

  the old bonce having little capacity for retention of anything much it was decided that the verruca music could not have a fixed structure of any sort but could drift in and out of focus much like the old bonce it not being necessary to take contemporary performance practice into consideration

  the second session of entertainment came to an abrupt halt three and a half minutes early according to the timepiece it having been noticed that the verruca was by now rather sore having never been designed to be a musical instrument let alone a source of sustained amusement

  the remainder of the second hour of entertainment was spent applying a comforting amount of pressure to the verruca although it was discovered that said warty foot intrusions do not respond in the same way as cuts and abrasions and applying a manual tourniquet results merely in the finger and thumb of the hand in question becoming tired and the verruca itself feeling slightly bruised and numb

  suppose for a moment

  not the jumper

  no not the jumper

  suppose for a minute that our hero had been so engrossed in his successful spontaneous composition and performance of this music of his own invention that he had failed to notice that the helpful hands that brought nutrition had in fact come along unnoticed and removed the large mug of tea

  o no

  this would mean that no further exploration of the musical possibilities of the feet would be possible without contamination with further verrucas which would eat through to the very marrow of the bones leaving nothing but bleeding stumps at the end of the legs and result in the floor beneath the precariously balanced squashy mattress opening up and
our hero plummeting downwards into a spiral of

  what

  suppose for a moment

  not the

  no

  suppose for a moment that our protagonist took a deep breath

  o yes and why would he be doing that then

  suppose for a moment that after taking a deep breath our protagonist held it anxiously and let it out again

  o yes and what was that all in aid of

  suppose for a moment that after taking a deep breath and letting it out again our protagonist took another breath only not so deep this time

  yes yes

  suppose for a moment that the urge to continue with entertainment had become so strong momentarily that our protagonist caused his vocal cords which had been static for so long to call out

  to what

  call out

  to whom

  to the helpful hands that brought nutrition

  well and that's a surprise

  and suppose for a moment that the first call was inaudible as my vocal cords were to say the least a bit creaky and reluctant to get moving and certainly unlike the great choral foghorn they had once been

  o you've decided you're in the first person again then

  and suppose for a moment that i called a second time asking for the large mug of tea to be returned

  the large mug of tea returned

  the floor beneath the mattress ceased to open up any further

  this constituted great progress

  the hands which had been picking at the verruca could now be cleaned in the intervening hour before the commencement of the third hour of entertainment

  once the hot brown liquid had cooled sufficiently although not of course so much that it lost its power to kill off the bugs and general nastiness each finger in turn was dunked in it to the second knuckle in order to fit it for participation in further music-making

  o and did that not burn

  pay attention young man it had cooled sufficiently

  although the cleaning of the first finger was not without some anxiety

  but luckily there was no burning or blistering but merely a soothing disinfecting warmth

  it was clear by the end of the interval period that the verruca was in no shape whatsoever to participate in the impending rigmarole and so the resolution was made to begin a study of the sonic properties of the eczema that flaked from the big toe of the left foot it having abandoned several other toes a year previously

  the third hour of entertainment being upon him our

  o i see you've reverted

  what

  reverted to the third person

  o it keeps you on your toes young man

  the third hour of entertainment being upon him our protagonist friend and narrator

  would you prefer first or third then

  o it is of no consequence i was merely pointing it out

  may i continue

  the third hour of entertainment being upon him our protagonist friend and narrator observed to himself how swimmingly the day was progressing thanks to the marvellous discoveries he was making with regard to his feet and their music

  the eczema on the big toe was past the stage at which it produces irritating small spots that burst and emanate liquid and had become dry and almost crumbly to the touch posing some interesting questions about its resilience and longevity when used as a musical instrument

  a well-bitten and smooth rounded fingernail was chosen as the playing implement

  it was discovered that the combination of the eczema and the knuckle of the aforementioned toe could be used to make a most acceptable combination of a scrape and a thud both of which were far more resonant than the verruca had been

  i was reminded of the old samba rhythms and bossa nova

  well and could you do rock 1 rock 2 and swing too

  what

  rock 1 rock 2 and swing

  what

  you never had one of those calculator things with the bleepy rhythms on

  what

  no

  within minutes our hero was improvising latin rhythms using the eczema and knuckle of the big toe of the left foot

  the fun was however not to last

  it was noticed that the toe had begun to feel rather warm

  very soon after it was noticed that it had begun to bleed

  at this point it was still possible to make the thud by applying the nail to the ridge of the knuckle but scraping the eczema was completely out of the question being sore beyond the bounds of reason or at least a good deal more painful than the haemorrhoids about which more in due course

  do you have to

  not if you insist

  however our hero was delighted to discover that the sound of the scrape of the eczema and the thud of the knuckle being as distinctive as they were had ingrained themselves into his memory meaning that he was able to continue to compose and perform the old samba rhythms in his head from imaginary scrapes and thuds without resorting to the damaging playing of the eczema

  and god knows the foot did itch

  the imaginary scrapy and thuddy samba rhythms kept our dear friend the protagonist busy well into what should have been the interval hour between the third and fourth entertainments

  there he was

  domiciled atop the squashy mattress

  beneath the frayed blue duvet

  and if observed carefully it might have been noticed that he was grooving away in his own little world and might even be described as having been moderately content inasmuch as anyone in such a situation may be described as content

  despite being half conscious that the fourth and fifth entertainments and their interval were yet to come before the end of the first day was reached

  what

  the eczema-driven samba rhythms in our hero's mind's ear scraped thudded and lulled him gently to sleep without the involvement of fibonacci or any quantity of sheep flinging themselves half-heartedly over a ramshackle gate

  he slept

  and slept soundly

  SIX

  awake once again after a night of sleep interrupted only by the dream in which images fragment like the coloured shards in a kaleidoscope with their constant disintegration and reassembly i was aware that changes were afoot

  the changes were not necessarily welcome

  the feet went swish swish back and forth and the heart sank

  the kindly hands that brought nutrition threw the door wide after a few moments' deliberation and announced that the mattress on the floor was to be replaced with a hitherto unknown non-squashy mattress atop a proper bed that would not cause the old back to seize up

  the frayed green duvet was to be replaced with blankets and an entirely unfamiliar coverlet

  at a time at which he should have been announcing to himself that THIS IS THE SECOND DAY OF ENTERTAINMENT the narrator found himself

  what gripped by fear the feet going swish swish gained momentum the arms went needle needle right to the very fingertips the knees became jelly the heart thundered too fast in the chest cavity the ribcage rose and fell with alarming regularity and the heart what god knows the heart sank and to add insult to injury and terror to fear i was what suppose for a moment this is not the no not that i was what was it were you no i i was what FORCED TO STAND from the new lofty perspective you were sorry i was yes you were let's settle on the third for a moment our narrator from the dizzying standing heights and from the new-found lofty perspective of his standing on both of his shankses bade farewell to his sanctuary of the mattress and duvet his faithful domicile and protectors from the opening of the floor but he was standing and the floor was intact despite his very great concern that this state of affairs could not persist for long having had previous experience of the floor opening up if he should so much as peep out from underneath the duvet to stare at the sunset and none of this no none of this would do for he had a schedule to stick to and who knows what might happen if the schedule was not stuck to
something awful like not being able to sleep and experiencing another black and bitter dark and tremulous night and the remembering of the electrical cable in the hallway or the attempt at drowning in the half-filled bath or the plastic bag and the electrical tape none of which turned out to be anything other than mildly uncomfortable although not as uncomfortable as the old haemorrhoids worse still he might forget how to make verruca music or the samba rhythms of the eczema and knuckle of the left big toe no none of this none of this none of this would do our protagonist hero and friend stood swaying slightly in his disorientation dizziness and all-round perplexity and looked with no small degree of fervour at the off-beige carpet wishing for it all to be over in a strictly non-melodramatic way of course it was simply essential that the schedule be adhered to

  simply essential

  nobody else being aware that there was a schedule of any kind and our narrator took his greatest chance yet and clearing his throat and coaxing the vocal cords into life once again declared aloud THIS IS THE SECOND DAY OF ENTERTAINMENT

  PLEASE HURRY I HAVE A SCHEDULE TO ADHERE TO

  and so it fell out that bright sunny day that the kindly parental hands that brought nutrition and as it appeared replaced bedroom furnishings eventually completed the making of the bed and helped our hapless friend into his new domicile which by rights should have been more comfortable than the combination of the squashy mattress and duvet but in reality was nothing of the sort

  in retrospect it was in fact much of a muchness and not unlike transferring from say a tractor to a steamroller or from a penny farthing to a box cart but at the very least the transferral to a new domicile that provided protection from the opening up of the floor beneath was a welcome thing and brought the fear back to its usual level

  but still there was a schedule to be adhered to and a number of entertainments to fit in before nightfall

  but wait

  the timepiece unreliable as it was had evaporated vanished and shuffled off elsewhere

  a dilemma thus presented itself

  should he attempt to adhere to the entertainment schedule without the aid of a timepiece which could result in all manner of chaos

  or should he open the old cake-hole fill the lungs to bursting point and call out a request for a replacement timepiece

  or the original timepiece if its whereabouts were known

  not to mention the large mug of tea which would be essential for preventing the feet from being eaten through by the consuming warty mass

  having learned from the previous day's activities that little if any pleasure was to be had from disappearing