Verruca Music Read online

suppose this is what you think it is

  SEVEN

  awakening jagged-eyed and wild-armed from half-sleep and comparing the first day with the second it was clear that too much arithmetic made the old bonce go bananas

  it was therefore also clear that grooving away with the verruca and the eczema on the big toe of the left foot or simple movements of the legs was a more satisfactory nay relaxing approach than swishing the old shankses in a complicated and mathematical manner

  suppose for a moment

  o i have had enough supposition for one day

  wait

  this is not the one about feeling terribly guilty about the incident in the park is it

  no no if i recount that one we'll be here the best part of a week all losing patience

  or trying hastily to contrive an exit

  listen young man

  what

  o yes you will be testing me on this later do please continue

  suppose for a moment there is silence

  nothing but pure blessed silence

  no sound from passers-by

  nor motor vehicles with internal combustion engines

  nor telephonic communication devices

  nor even the whistling of the tinnitus in the old ears

  absolute pure silence with the old bonce at a complete standstill and the whole body feeling a million miles away

  blessed silence

  with a sense of indefinable peace and momentary oblivion

  o and what good is it going to do me to suppose that

  well now shush and imagine it

  i can't

  what

  there is this distant clicking sound appears when I try to imagine silence

  what

  it comes in four different pitches

  what

  you know what it is it's that bloody verruca of yours and you picking your feet

  and so our hero and friend the narrator stumbled back to a means of continuing his sonic foot adventures to whit he knew what sounds they made and was therefore at liberty to call them to mind without ever needing to reproduce them physically

  this had the great advantage of not making the verruca or the eczema unbearably sore

  wait

  what

  what happened to the athlete's foot and the calluses

  o they were discounted on grounds of overcomplication

  calling the sounds of the feet to mind also had the great advantage that it was no longer necessary to attempt to maintain a level of hygiene by washing the fingers one by one in the large mug of tea which was a great relief as it had nearly gone over more than once

  well and what about the floor

  in what sense the floor

  the opening up and all that

  as i was saying not having to wash the fingers one by one in the large mug of tea came as a great relief

  was it still happening

  what

  the floor may or may not have been threatening to open up beneath the squashy mattress but as the squashy mattress and the blue frayed duvet were no longer in the room this no longer posed a problem at least not to our hero

  it may naturally have posed a problem to others such as the kindly pair of hands that brought nutrition which may have found themselves teetering on the brink of a dirty great abyss in due course

  however as things stood nothing seemed to have been mentioned with regard to the abyss so one can only presume that it was currently keeping itself to itself which it must be admitted is the ideal state of affairs for an abyss generally

  in addition neither the squashy mattress nor the blue frayed duvet seemed to have been mentioned since their removal from our narrator's present location atop the previously unknown bed

  this posed some interesting and distracting questions

  had the floor opened up and consumed the mattress in one great almighty gulp prior to the abyss keeping itself to itself and if so had the mattress first consumed the duvet or was it the other way round and had the duvet consumed the mattress before then being consumed by the abyss

  or had the duvet consumed the whole bally lot before disappearing up its own fundament leaving nothing but the bare bones

  or was this all just rot

  the digression being over it fell out that the narrator was able to call to mind all the relevant sounds made by the feet to whit the four different clicks made by the north south east and west of the verruca the scrape and thud of the eczema and the knuckle and the swish and snap of the feet and the toenails

  the timepiece being consulted it was discovered that there was time for just four entertainments instead of the previously planned five

  but no matter

  a full day of entertainment was ahead and our hero was looking forward to it so much that when the kindly hands that brought nutrition delivered a plate of something that was not charred he ate it with relish for he would be needing the energy would he not

  fuel for the entertainment

  well and did you actually get through the third day of entertainment without the old bonce going bananas

  o yes and what is more i folded down the blankets and the coverlet and rose from my horizontal position in order to greet the slightly damp and dismal morning

  what

  o yes the daylight such as it was

  it had once been a fiendish mortal enemy but after a pleasing session of mentally grooving away with the verruca music the eczema and knuckle music and the swishing of the feet it was discovered that the daylight could almost be enjoyed such as it was on this damp and dismal morning

  well and what brought about that change of heart

  suppose for a moment

  o this is not the one about the stones is it

  no not that one

  that sets my teeth on edge every time i hear it

  suppose for a moment that the old bonce was no longer experiencing the shooting pain of invading screwdriver and that although the teeth were worn by excessive grinding and the jaw muscles were overdeveloped from excessive grinding of the teeth and aching slightly from the top set of teeth not really fitting together properly with the lower set of teeth the bonce could be described in relative terms as being pain-free

  well and how did that come about

  o listen and i will tell you

  current research estimation and academic opinion seem all to agree that grooving away is good for the old bonce

  well and how is that

  what

  something just occurred

  did you not find yourself wearing a hole in the sheet what with all that swishing

  o you were not paying attention young man

  you have failed the test

  note please note that all the grooving was now taking place inside the old bonce allowing the body and all its extremities to assume a pose of outward relaxation the breath slower and deeper and with the occasional

  what

  smile

  no

  really

  EIGHT

  what now

  suppose for a moment the toy garage was finished

  what

  there were three or four sheets of plywood all painted white and due to be assembled into a glorious toy garage to rival the most glamorous of those that were commercially available

  the plywood resurfaced many years later and was thrown out having never become a garage at which point the toy cars that escaped the destructive brick-dropping tendencies of youth had already all been disposed of

  and did you ever obtain a commercially available one instead

  no never

  the toy cars were superceded in due course by a dog and a cat the dog now deceased after scorching acidic urine burned holes in the lawn

  the cat of indeterminate age though almost certainly in its early dotage proved to be of great comfort although it had not been in evidence during the period spent atop the squashy mattress

  it

  she
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  she had not been in evidence during the period spent atop the squashy mattress

  during one period of rest from the almost contented grooving away in the old bonce there was a plump and a flop and the old eyes opened and lo and behold there she was kneading away at the bedclothes circling and pottering and fussing before settling

  this introduced a further dilemma but an altogether pleasant one

  the schedule having become far more loose than originally intended it was more than feasible for it to expand from periods of entertainment and periods of rest between entertainment to add periods of petting the cat and this was duly done

  but

  what

  what if the cat got up and left before it was time for her to be petted

  this could easily result in the opening up of the floor and the abyss no longer keeping itself to itself either in the other room or somewhere else entirely which might mean a reoccurrence of uncontrolled swishing or uncontrolled needling or worse still the sinking of the heart

  and god knows the heart did sink

  shackling the cat to the bed not being an option it was decided to incorporate the element of chance into the day's proceedings which though risky did allow for the element of surprise

  and in the absence of the cat of course more grooving could be undertaken

  so to recap

  straightforwardly this time please

  grooving period following by non grooving period following by