Verruca Music Read online

mattress frayed duvet et cetera and that structured entertainment might reduce the amount of

  what

  swish swish backwards and forwards and the sinking of the heart

  and god knows the

  what

  o suppose for a moment i am fifteen years old and the composer of a fine musical work but spotty of face uncertain of mien septic of toenail and covered in eczema although nowhere obvious thank the lord or whoever it is best to thank these days and anyway i roll into school one morning to discover that i am unable to

  what

  to breathe

  well and how did you get yourself breathing

  o not immediately for sure the usual business of knowing that one is breathing in and knowing that one is breathing out and letting the jolly old ribcage diaphragm lungs and pipes get on with it seemed oddly ineffectual leaving the composer of a fine musical work struggling for air in the early morning frosty sunshine on the steps outside the main door waiting to sign the late book with rime in his hair and nary a jumper on his back

  well and why were you not wearing a jumper

  why indeed unfathomable is it not and well you may ask listen carefully young man for i may well test you on this later i was young and reckless and of the opinion that my ambition could not be thwarted by conditions climatic or social and hence i had not worn a jumper despite having rime in my hair and it being bitterly cold as i waited to sign the late book

  the bitterly cold stabbing frost of the air entered the jolly old lungs with a poke and a twist and stunned the intercostal muscles into complete disobedience and i stood not breathing in and not breathing out as i waited to sign the late book

  well and how was the situation resolved

  o this young composer of fifteen years with a fine musical work behind him wrapped his blazer with the blue fraying top pocket badge all the more tightly around himself and tried not to fall over and made it inside just before falling over like the proverbial sack of

  what

  spuds

  unable to move breathe or do anything other than impersonate a large quantity of root vegetables the said composer was immediately rushed somewhere warm where generous quantities of chemicals were used to dilate the bronchioles and a cup of tea was administered with words of kindness most unexpected

  well and i suppose you wore your jumper the next day

  no the next day it was warmer and there was no rime in the hair of the fifteen year old composer with the fine musical work behind him

  but

  what

  i did wear a jumper the next time it was cold and bore the consequences which were twofold

  the first fold was not dying which was a consequence worthy of rejoicing ringing of bells and general public merriment upon the queen's highway

  the second fold was being told by a great big acne-scarred gorilla that only nancy boys wear jumpers and having the proverbial seven bells beaten from my sorry carcass

  but

  what

  well i managed not to die neither from stopping breathing nor from the beating of the seven bells which is just as well all things considered as i was but fifteen and had a fine musical work behind me

  did anyone ever hear it this fine musical work

  no

  THREE

  at this point the bemused reader may recall little other than a sack of spuds and a hole in the floor which is to be expected in a work of this type so let us recap briefly

  male mid-30s

  are you listening young man

  what

  make sure you are listening young man for i will be testing you later

  something about being in your mid-30s

  that is exactly so and moreover thinning of hair portly of paunch steadfast of political opinions and floundering of career due to circumstances beyond the control of himself myself yourself or indeed anyself at all and henceforth domiciled atop a pleasantly squashy blanket that prevented the floor from opening up and swallowing the nutrition left by a generous hand

  what was that come again i thought it was a mattress and that the heart was sinking into the floor or something similar

  something similar yes for listen you must agree must you not that a squashy blanket is not a million miles away from a squashy mattress and the floor opening up and swallowing our beloved protagonist is scarcely a few hundred yards at a walking pace away from the floor opening up and swallowing the nutrition left by a generous hand which in any case it never did

  what

  open up and swallow the nutrition

  was the heart still sinking or did you make that bit up as well

  no

  god knows the heart did sink

  to return to the matter in hand our lifelong friend and companion here is male mid-30s baldy of pate expansive of midriff and prone to haemorrhoids domiciled atop a squashy mattress

  aha so its the mattress again i knew it

  atop a squashy mattress that prevented the heart from sinking into the floor and the whole kit caboodle shebang and shooting match from collapsing into a pure point of shattering darkness

  have you quite finished

  yes

  well and what was all that about the limits

  o before the limits i

  enough of all that now how about describing the aforementioned limits and why in god's name were you not wearing a jumper

  i

  yes

  the limits came about after a black and bitter tremulous night in the company of no-one at all attempting all sorts of entertainment to stave off the feeling of the falling into the floor from under the grey frayed duvet

  what was it not blue

  from under the blue frayed duvet

  it was observed that anticipation of entertainment was a pleasant activity and that equally the memory of entertainment was also a pleasant activity so therefore the two might be made use of as surrogate forms of entertainment in themselves to whit if real entertainments and surrogate entertainments were to be correctly and felicitously spaced throughout any given frame of passing time then it might be possible for the threat of the floor opening up under the mattress to go entirely unnoticed

  bravo

  suppose for a minute and no this is not the one about the non-existent jumper again before you ask

  suppose for a minute or two that i am

  what

  o not to worry i was only going to relate

  what something you made up again

  no a sorry tale of a toy car

  o for the love of god will you just get on and tell us about the limits

  o before the fall and the limits i was

  swish swish

  right then the limits were all to do with spreading out the entertainment like the proverbial manure on the strawberry patch were it not for the fact that i was neither actually spreading manure nor actually growing strawberries the supply of manure soil water fertiliser and sunlight being somewhat restricted beneath the blue frayed duvet atop the squashy mattress that prevented the o you know all that

  back and forth

  it was decided after one dark tremulous bitter fearful night that the entertainment should be kept to a manageable level as it was discovered that as the undertaken amount of entertainment increased the more likely it was that the dark and tremulous night would become a dark tremulous bitter fearful night populated by all manner of

  did you ever imagine you saw a talking vegetable say a gourd or something like that

  i shall treat that question with the

  what

  the contempt it deserves you should be paying attention young man i will be testing you on all this later

  the limiting of the entertainment could only be brought about by deciding what constituted entertainment and what constituted non-entertainment for example if something which was previously an entertainment stopped being entertaining was it still an entertainment or merely something diverting that ultimately drew the attention back t
o the opening up of the floor and the sinking of the heart

  and god knows the heart did sink

  or should all actions in which the heart did not sink be classed as entertainment in which case simply training the mind's eye on the jolly old ribcage as it went up and down might be more entertaining than one might normally imagine

  more problematically

  deciding what constituted entertainment could be construed as a form of entertainment in itself

  well and how did you resolve this conundrum

  o

  suppose for a minute

  this is not the jumper is it

  no not the jumper this is the one about the shopping rigmarole

  to whit imagining the purchasing of things followed by the replacing or returning of them without obtaining a refund or any other form of recompense

  at the start of this form of entertainment it was easy to imagine purchasing from a newsagent let us say a packet of salt and vinegar crisps selected randomly from the metal baskets with the prison bars and paying politely but without being unduly demonstrative then accepting the change where relevant and then sauntering back down through the shop with the aforementioned crisp packet before replacing it whence it came and wandering out into the broad and blistering daylight it being a source of tremendous chuckling satisfaction to then imagine the look on the