Verruca Music Read online

face of the unsuspecting shopkeeper or assistant as the previously purchased comestibles were jettisoned without so much as a by-your-leave or a cheerio-see-you-next-tuesday

  to recap briefly the structure of the entertainment was simple to whit walk in shop pay for item place item back on shelf walk out empty handed

  it was discovered that there were many possible variations on the crisp packet theme involving for example accepting change from the shopkeeper where relevant then putting the change in with the pick and mix sweets and placing the crisps carefully atop the refridgerator containing the freezing cold cans of toothrot beverages before wandering out into the broad and blistering daylight with a chuckle of satisfaction

  or for example paying for two packets of crisps replacing one of the packets in the metal basket with the prison bars and then having a blazing row with the other as if it had said something that any right minded individual would disagree with violently the final line being something like o no mister crisp packet i will not tolerate such behaviour before a drop kick landed bag crisps and all on the top shelf among the cleavage

  o it would not be long before this rigmarole became a habit and the habit got out of hand for soon it would come to pass that performing this little act with small and insignificant prepackaged comestibles simply could not supply the necessary thrill to the imagination to prevent the heart from sinking

  and god knows the heart did sink

  from small prepackaged comestibles the next step was compact discs paperback books and stationery all of which could be purchased and the routine re-enacted beneath the gaze of moderately sophisticated closed circuit television cameras

  to recap briefly this meant the routine was now walk in shop pay for compact disc place compact disc back on shelf walk out empty handed or walk in shop pay for paperback book place paperback book back on shelf walk out empty handed or walk in shop pay for stationery

  yes yes have you quite finished

  o it was a merry and unstoppable routine although it was the sort of thing that could cost the unwary a fortune and a half

  and god knows it cost a fortune

  and a half

  or possibly

  yes yes

  the entertainment became of dubious value in the sense of creating more work than satisfaction when items usually purchased for recreational use were rejected in favour of white goods

  said white goods provided excellent opportunities for further variation in the routine to whit one can argue with a washing machine or tumble dryer while attempting to get it to eat its tea and then flying into a rage when it fails to comply administering the occasional kick or slap with the flat of the hand but all in all it becomes a great deal more difficult to perform the part of the routine in which one takes the item to the counter and pays for it before putting it back not least because the items in question do not often live on shelves but in a warehouse to which it is almost impossible to gain access meaning that the closest possible course of action is to leave the item positioned immediately by the security door to the aforementioned warehouse area

  and god knows the back did ache

  this all came to a head when attempting to buy a horse from a stables as the slightly dozy creature appeared to form some kind of bond with our friend the protagonist while walking the few yards between its former accommodation and the gate to the establishment and refused point blank to return whence it came at which point the entertainment was declared to be well and truly over and not under any circumstances to be repeated none of which accounts for the current whereabouts of the horse which could by now be just about anywhere

  very good

  and how did you solve the conundrum

  o i am just getting to that

  wait

  what conundrum